Being Open – Destigmatising Blocked Care
Parenting is stressful – but it’s hard to be open about it.
Let’s be honest – parenting is stressful!
Becoming a parent involves a massive shift in how you live your life, with the added responsibility of looking after a little one’s physical, social and emotional health and wellbeing. The parenting role can bring great rewards and joys to an adult’s life, but it can also bring many, varied challenges. Often these challenges aren’t spoken about, or if they are, it’s in hushed tones to avoid judgement and disapproval from others.
I’m going to take a moment to discuss blocked care, an often-unspoken aspect or parenting. There is no place for judgement here – just gentle curiosity about if this is something you may be experiencing. It takes a village to raise a child, and that village needs to understand and support parents with their experiences and where they are at in their parenting journey.
What is blocked care?
Blocked care/blocked parenting is a state where parents experience prolonged stress, which then negatively influences their ability to express love and empathy towards their child. In blocked care, caregiving tends to be more reactive (responding to problems) with difficulties in considering the child’s underlying emotional state.
Blocked care can be common, even if we don’t talk about it. We live in a society that seems built towards keeping us stressed at all times. Our kids are stressed, adults are stressed and when everyone is stressed and overwhelmed, it can be hard to make space to be thoughtful about what might be driving a behaviour.
You aren’t a bad parent if you’re experiencing blocked care – you’re a human one.
We know a child’s behaviour is often like an iceberg – the behaviour you see may be the end point of a range of triggers and unmet needs. You may be in a state of blocked care if you find yourself in patterns where:
It’s hard to think about why your child may be behaving in a certain way;
You have a sense that your child is manipulative and only wants to get their needs met;
You have a sense your child dislikes or hates you;
You have a sense your child is wilfully being naughty and disruptive; or
You have a sense your child makes life harder on purpose.
Support is Available
Blocked care is common, even if it’s not spoken about. Different types of blocked care can be experienced, including:
Chronic – most common if your own childhood was difficult. Difficulties in your own childhood can result in your child’s cues and miscues triggering you and resulting in defensive responses.
Acute – most common after a specific traumatic incident (such as a death or accident). If you are experiencing increased stress and overwhelming feelings, it can be difficult to consider the emotional needs of others.
Child Specific – some kids have needs that require more thoughtfulness to read and interpret, which can be difficult to navigate.
Stage Specific – some developmental periods can be more challenging to navigate, such as the shift to adolescence.
If you suspect you may be experiencing blocked care, help and supports are available. The first step is acknowledging blocked care can be part of the human experience and you aren’t a bad parent if it’s happening for you. It’s important to reach out for your own therapeutic supports to work through the complexities of blocked care.
You friend in neurodivergence x
Kristy